Dear Amy: I was in a four-year relationship that ended last year. We weathered the pandemic together and had good times, but I didn’t believe we were a good romantic match. She was emotionally fragile and dealt with depression when we first met, but she was her very best self when we were together.
We moved in together much too soon.
My former partner and I broke up amicably and I had every intention to stay friends with her. However, a romance began to blossom between myself and a mutual friend.
I understand my former partner’s pain. I never wanted to hurt her.
I moved on with the other person. I’ve thought about building a family with her and have posted about this online.
Now my former partner is incredibly hurt. I just hate that it had to end this way. Honestly, sometimes I think I should sacrifice my own happiness for hers because I feel so guilty now.
Recently her friends have been watching my Instagram. I’m sure they will report back to her that I’ve moved in with my girlfriend.
Does the guilt ever go away for choosing what you feel is best for you?
– Guilty Lover
Dear Guilty: Guilt does go away, and careful behavior helps to usher it out.
You should be extremely judicious (in the shorter term) when posting about your new relationship online, not only to protect your former partner’s feelings, but because it’s wisest to do so.
Being more careful in your public postings has two advantages: your ex’s friends who skulk on your Instagram won’t know your intimate thoughts and family-building hopes with your new partner, and protecting your own privacy will help to slow down your new breakneck romance so you don’t repeat a previous mistake.
Your ex will have to learn to cope with her own feelings. You should apologize to her for any hurt you have caused. And you will have to understand that a friendship with her is not in the cards, at least for now.
Breakups happen. The person who leaves will often feel guilty about it. But you should not sacrifice your own happiness in order to avoid the discomfort of reckoning with your own guilt.
Dear Amy: I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 28.
He is now in his 40s, and I am in my 30s. He was – and is – my only serious relationship.
I’ve come to understand that he is narcissistic and verbally abusive.
When I was younger, I thought that when he yelled at me or told me that everything I do is wrong – this was a normal relationship.
Now I realize that this is not the case.
Now, I call him out on his behavior, and it upsets him even more.
He tells me that I like being a victim, I’m too sensitive, and I’m not as fun as I used to be.
I’m at the end of my sanity.
If I stay or leave, I am hurt either way.
He’s talked about going to therapy, but only after he’s been drinking.
He has never followed through with it.
What can my next steps be?
– I’ve Had Enough
Dear Had Enough: The reason you are not as fun as you used to be is because walking on eggshells is exhausting and depleting. Anticipating criticism or defending yourself when attacked keeps you off-balance.
If you’ve really and truly “had enough,” your next step will be out the door.
Breaking up from a long relationship is hard. It hurts. But when you are finally free from this level of chaos and dysfunction, your life will start to improve – immediately. You will notice this in both large and small ways. The freedom to choose your own path, to make choices – even mistakes – without being put down or yelled at is liberating.
The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when you leave the relationship. If you believe you are at risk, make sure you have personal support and a plan to leave this marriage safely.
Dear Amy: Another reader chiming in about “Angry in Philadelphia,” the bride who was too “delicate” to invite her conservative uncle to her wedding.
Wow – I hope that letter was “fake,” but I fear it was real.
– Longtime Reader
Dear Reader: I do what I can to verify questions like that one, which seemed designed to enrage. I determined that this question was genuine, as was my response.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)