Dear Amy: My husband and I have two children under the age of three.
Most of the time when my husband watches the kids, he is on his phone.
Even when our 11-month-old is practicing walking, he holds her by the arm as he walks with his eyes glued to his other hand, which is holding the phone.
If I say something, he gets all defensive.
With our first child, I called him a bad dad because he was always on his phone or just holding him watching TV (basically not interacting with his child).
He was very hurt by this and said I was out of line and disrespectful for saying it. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind as much if he was doing something productive on the phone for the family (such as looking up recipes, researching something that broke, planning a family trip), but it is just videos or Reddit.
To make me more upset, he does not consider this as “free time.” (He would like one to two hours a day (wouldn’t we all).
“Free time” for him, or “personal care,” as he calls it, is no kids, relaxing and watching videos.
Free time for me is taking a shower with no kids or taking them on a walk (I am a stay-at-home parent).
I am just struggling with how to explain to him that your kids are here now, not on a screen.
We did go to marriage counseling for a year, but it did not work so well. It turned into, if I am struggling, then I need to pay for help or depend on my family, since my expectations are higher than his.
– Basically, a Single Parent
Dear Single Parent: You say you don’t mind your husband being on his phone, if he is doing something you approve of.
I agree with you that the level of distraction you describe is not good parenting. Parents should do their utmost to have two free hands when dealing with a toddler and a baby. You can’t have two free hands if you are using one hand to hold a phone.
I wonder if you might reach a compromise whereby your husband agrees to listen to music or a podcast instead of watching or scrolling on his phone.
I don’t think that branding him as a “bad dad” is helpful.
Every parent needs “free time.” I interpret this as a time when you are not with the children, either because they are in bed asleep, or because you are physically away from them. You and your husband should each have some time when you are completely free of childcare duties; couples often achieve this on the weekends, when they “tag team” on Saturdays.
And couples really do need “we time.” This is time (aside from marriage counseling) when you focus on each other and maintain your own adult relationship, with no children (or phones) to distract you.
Dear Amy: I am having conflicting feelings.
I think I am in love with someone from my work as a summer camp counselor, but I have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost four years.
I am in love with my boyfriend, too, which is why I’m so confused and conflicted.
I am losing sleep over this. I don’t know what to do.
I trust this camp guy very much. My boyfriend is very sweet, but I can’t help but feel like I can’t trust him sometimes.
I feel like he’s sneaky sometimes. Sometimes he dodges my questions.
What do you think? What should I do?
– Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: Working at a summer camp is like being on a movie set – offering ideal and otherworldly conditions which are ideal for romance (or hookups).
When contemplating a summertime love match, here’s what you should NOT do: Hunt for – or invent – ways in which your sweet boyfriend isn’t worthy.
If you want to break up with your boyfriend in order to explore this other relationship, make sure you do so cleanly, honestly, and respectfully.
Dear Amy: “Don’t Know What To Say” was single and struggling to respond to married co-workers who say they envy her single status.
Your response was totally off the mark!
“I think it would be great at work if we didn’t voice our assumptions about each other’s personal life” sounds like an angry retort.
Better to respond with a lighthearted, “Life has so many challenges, rewards and perks.” End the chat on a positive note.
– Surprised by You
Dear Surprised: I think you’re right.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)