Column: The beauty of ‘Barbie’ isn’t that men are subjugated. It’s that no one is.

My son and his friends, all rising high school freshmen, were at our house Saturday night when one of them suggested they go see “Barbie.”

The movie had been in theaters for all of 24 hours — plenty of time to become a cultural lightning rod. Too woke. Too man-hating. Too much feminist agitprop.

Right-wing commentator Ben Shapiro even made a 43-minute video about the “flaming garbage heap of a film” (his words) and set fire to some dolls to drive his message home.

Also: It’s beloved by millions and immediately setting fire to previous box office records.

I eagerly awaited my son’s and his friends’ reviews.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 8.5 was the lowest ranking. A couple kids said 10. The debate, to the extent they had one, was whether you could use decimals.

I guess they missed all the man-hating, blood-thirsty, flaming garbage feminist indoctrination stuff?

“I’ll see it again if you want to go,” my son told me.

Sold. We went after lacrosse practice three nights later. And … mystery solved. They missed the man-hating, blood-thirsty, feminist indoctrination stuff because it’s not in there.

The movie is witty and dazzling. It’s lightning-quick but contemplative, fresh but in-jokey. It’s fun as heck.

It’s also deeply humanistic.

Barbieland, where the dolls live in blissful, pink-hued harmony, feels like utopia because no one is being subjugated.

When Barbies sit in the big seats — Supreme Court seats, C-suites seats, the president’s seat — they don’t use their power to strip anyone’s rights or limit anyone’s bodily autonomy or pit anyone against anyone or hoard all the wealth.

Power isn’t a zero sum game in Barbieland. It’s a thing you wield to make everyone’s life pleasant. Everyone has a Dreamhouse in Barbieland.

Ken isn’t the enemy. No one is the enemy. Barbie doesn’t want Ken to live in servitude. She wants him to go to the beach with his friends. Sometimes she’ll meet him there.

Ken’s fine. He’s fine! He’s just not the gatekeeper of Barbie’s hopes and dreams and self-worth.

It’s telling that this feels revolutionary and terrifying and polarizing to some folks.

What kind of make-believe world do they think girls have been acting out with their friends and their Barbies since time immemorial? One where the right combination of dress and shoes attracts Ken? One where our torsos are too small to house vital organs?

Barbies’ jobs and vacations and easy access to real estate and all manner of transportation (Barbie Dreamcamper! Barbie Dream Boat! Barbie Dreamplane! Barbie Glam Convertible!) were always the point.

It’s delightful to see that brought to life and splashed across a big screen, nestled inside a layered, loving storyline and delivered with a knowing wink and an impassioned plea.

“It is literally impossible to be a woman,” Gloria, played by America Ferrera, tells Barbie. “You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.

“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be ‘healthy,’ but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.”

Gloria doesn’t live in Barbieland. Gloria is from the Real World. Her monologue is a pivotal moment, and one of the film’s best.

“You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining,” she continues. “You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.”

(Hi, Oscars! Hi, Pulitzers! Hi, English teachers looking for some dialogue to annotate as a class!)

“You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.”

Those are the rules Barbie turns on their head. That’s the setup Barbie escapes. That’s the world that is still, unfortunately, all too real.

The movie, though, invites us to glimpse a wholly different one.

And isn’t that how all the best ideas are born? When we imagine something different?

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